So I haven't written anything in quite some time. Not sure why, because it's not that I've been too busy. I guess my mind has simply been preoccupied.
This chapter of my life is coming to a close and a new one is about to begin and I feel stuck in an odd limbo because of it. Honestly I'm not too happy with where I am right now emotionally. Not sure why, but I've been living on my own agenda the past couple weeks and it's not working out for me. It leaves me feeling insecure, alone, and having desires of filling the void with superfluous things. Don't get me wrong because things in my life are going incredibly well and I definitely could not ask for more as far as my "outer layer" is concerned. My life is perfect and I am blessed beyond all measure. But it's the inside, the heart, that is struggling a bit right now. Because everything keeps happening and things are seemingly going so fast it feels like I can barely keep up, which leaves me feeling like I'm just existing... existing one day at a time and waiting for the next to come. I finish one routine and wait for the next to start. It's a cycle that happens one day at a time and then starts over the next. Somehow I'm left feeling like I'm merely existing and not truly living. It's really a terrible feeling because I know I am called to go beyond just existing, but I'm not sure how to break free of it right now. This is a personal struggle that comes up time and time again in my life, and I know that I simply need to see it through and need to refocus my attention and get back on track. Part of me is really upset with myself because I have just gotten really lazy and unfocused. For me the root of it all is whenever I simply get comfortable with things and stop putting forth effort. I am so caught up in what's to come that I have forgotten to focus on the now. Currently I am not living to my full potential and I'm somewhat just wasting away. A bit overly dramatic I'm sure (but that's just me)... I just need to refocus!
As for my "outer shell"... goodness, I'm so happy I could burst! I will write about that soon, but for now I need to get off here and focus some.
To be continued...
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Random collection of some thought-provoking quotations
"The spirit of truth will not allow you to enjoy sin ever again... he will wreck you from enjoying sin ever again, when sin creeps into your life as a child of God the spirit of truth inside of you will begin to breathe and it will war against it until you repent... so if there is no repentance in your life, there is no grieving, there is no war, there is no spirit." -Matt Carter
"Until we are broken, our life will be self-centered, self-reliant; our strength will be our own...only when we enter our wound will we discover our true glory." -John Eldredge
"You literally sacrifice your soul and your true power when you insist on controlling things..." -Stasi Eldredge
"Until we are broken, our life will be self-centered, self-reliant; our strength will be our own...only when we enter our wound will we discover our true glory." -John Eldredge
"You literally sacrifice your soul and your true power when you insist on controlling things..." -Stasi Eldredge
Friday, October 24, 2008
Lazy Friday morning and future thoughts
It's a lazy Friday morning and I decided I should write again since it's been a little while.
My PT applications are all off. It is out of my hands and it is a terribly frightening but also exciting feeling. Last week mom came in my room and asked me what was wrong (I must have appeared frazzled). I simply pointed over to my bed that had multiple manila envelopes on it stuffed, essentially, with the past three to four years of my life. That is the, for a lack of a better term, weirdest feeling I have probably ever felt. Along with that feeling came the panic where I began to wonder if all that I have done is good enough. Will I even get an interview? I sure hope so...
People have been asking me which school I want to go to and it is no lie when I respond, "the one that accepts me." If I do end up being accepted to more than one school then I will need to be choosy, but until then I'm just left hoping I get in somewhere. I also firmly believe that if I get in more than one place it will be clear where I need to be after my interviews. For the first time the uncertainty does not scare me in a numbing sort of way because I am confident that I will be guided in the right direction. This whole thing is so exciting I could burst!
Also had a birthday last week. I swear, the older you get, the faster time seems to fly by. Not that I'm old by any means, but these next couple years are going to be some monumental ones in my life. I'll be graduating with my bachelors degree in just two months (bought my cap and gown yesterday!), will start hearing back from PT schools within the next one to two months, will hopefully have interviews and will get in, which means I'll be starting PT school next year. If all goes as planned, which realistically I know rarely happens, I'll be graduating with a DPT degree in three years, and then...? Well I'm hoping marriage and family to be quite honest. So with all that coming up it seems like time should slow down a bit so I can process it all and keep up.
What's my plan B you may ask? Well for now I am planning on taking things as they come. The year 2009 should be interesting because I have no solid plans as of yet. I do plan on taking some classes at a community college in the Spring to meet some outstanding pre-requisites and I definitely need to work, but beyond that, who knows? And of course a visit to Switzerland is also on the agenda, since I'll be spending Christmas here in the States and not there (only the second Christmas I'll have been here since I've lived here, which is a huge deal to me and it's gonna be hard not going home for Christmas). Beyond that, if I don't get into PT school, well then I will try again. I don't really have much else to say about that because right now I do not plan on not getting in.=) Optimistic? Yes! Overly optimistic? Probably. But it's keeping me sane right now and as a person who does not deal well with uncertainty it is my only survival technique.
Now this post has gotten quite lengthy. My apologies to anyone reading it.=)
I think I'm gonna get up and do something with myself. Get this beautiful day started.
My PT applications are all off. It is out of my hands and it is a terribly frightening but also exciting feeling. Last week mom came in my room and asked me what was wrong (I must have appeared frazzled). I simply pointed over to my bed that had multiple manila envelopes on it stuffed, essentially, with the past three to four years of my life. That is the, for a lack of a better term, weirdest feeling I have probably ever felt. Along with that feeling came the panic where I began to wonder if all that I have done is good enough. Will I even get an interview? I sure hope so...
People have been asking me which school I want to go to and it is no lie when I respond, "the one that accepts me." If I do end up being accepted to more than one school then I will need to be choosy, but until then I'm just left hoping I get in somewhere. I also firmly believe that if I get in more than one place it will be clear where I need to be after my interviews. For the first time the uncertainty does not scare me in a numbing sort of way because I am confident that I will be guided in the right direction. This whole thing is so exciting I could burst!
Also had a birthday last week. I swear, the older you get, the faster time seems to fly by. Not that I'm old by any means, but these next couple years are going to be some monumental ones in my life. I'll be graduating with my bachelors degree in just two months (bought my cap and gown yesterday!), will start hearing back from PT schools within the next one to two months, will hopefully have interviews and will get in, which means I'll be starting PT school next year. If all goes as planned, which realistically I know rarely happens, I'll be graduating with a DPT degree in three years, and then...? Well I'm hoping marriage and family to be quite honest. So with all that coming up it seems like time should slow down a bit so I can process it all and keep up.
What's my plan B you may ask? Well for now I am planning on taking things as they come. The year 2009 should be interesting because I have no solid plans as of yet. I do plan on taking some classes at a community college in the Spring to meet some outstanding pre-requisites and I definitely need to work, but beyond that, who knows? And of course a visit to Switzerland is also on the agenda, since I'll be spending Christmas here in the States and not there (only the second Christmas I'll have been here since I've lived here, which is a huge deal to me and it's gonna be hard not going home for Christmas). Beyond that, if I don't get into PT school, well then I will try again. I don't really have much else to say about that because right now I do not plan on not getting in.=) Optimistic? Yes! Overly optimistic? Probably. But it's keeping me sane right now and as a person who does not deal well with uncertainty it is my only survival technique.
Now this post has gotten quite lengthy. My apologies to anyone reading it.=)
I think I'm gonna get up and do something with myself. Get this beautiful day started.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
My path
It is most certainly crunch time as far as PT applications go, but honestly I'm quite relaxed about it. Maybe too much so. For some reason I have a level of inner peace that I cannot put into words. I simply feel safe, comforted, and confident.
Over the past couple weeks, if nothing else, my confidence has grown. Not only am I falling in love with God, I'm also truly learning to love myself. That certainly sounds basic and it probably is, but I am just now learning to truly take time for myself and focus on who I am and need to be. It feels really good and I like who I feel that I am becoming. From the outside looking in it's probably not any sort of monumental change, but I feel much different. I feel more at peace and ease with myself and who I am. That's a really good feeling!
There is a path that lies ahead and though it is uncertain I feel confident. In an odd way I know exactly where I am going even though I do not have a clue where I'll end up. The path does not frighten me like it usually would because I know I am headed in the right direction no matter what happens. Not sure if that makes any sense.
Sometimes I wish I had something eloquent and meaningful to convey to the world. Unfortunately that is often not the case, but I guess the true reason for this blog of mine is to serve as an outlet for my thoughts.
Over the past couple weeks, if nothing else, my confidence has grown. Not only am I falling in love with God, I'm also truly learning to love myself. That certainly sounds basic and it probably is, but I am just now learning to truly take time for myself and focus on who I am and need to be. It feels really good and I like who I feel that I am becoming. From the outside looking in it's probably not any sort of monumental change, but I feel much different. I feel more at peace and ease with myself and who I am. That's a really good feeling!
There is a path that lies ahead and though it is uncertain I feel confident. In an odd way I know exactly where I am going even though I do not have a clue where I'll end up. The path does not frighten me like it usually would because I know I am headed in the right direction no matter what happens. Not sure if that makes any sense.
Sometimes I wish I had something eloquent and meaningful to convey to the world. Unfortunately that is often not the case, but I guess the true reason for this blog of mine is to serve as an outlet for my thoughts.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
A Return to Love - Marianne Williamson
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Broken Mess
All the driving that I've been doing lately has given me ample opportunity to do lots and lots of thinking (and singing=)). Believe it or not, I'm enjoying the default "me" time where I can focus on what's going on in my mind...and the road of course. Driving home last night I was overwhelmed with a wave of emotion that is quite difficult to describe. The emotion lead me to tears and it calmed me in an incredible way, yes, gentle and calming tears.
I kept thinking that after that initial infatuation phase seems to come the reality phase where you realize that to truly make things work you must make some substantial sacrifices. That is most certainly where I am with God right now. He's challenging me at the core of my being, my weakest point, and it's hard. Part of me wants to run away and do my own thing, but I've been there before and it left me completely empty and broken. I do not want to walk down that road again, but I'm terrified that I will. In my mind I know what to do and what is right, quite often I do. Unfortunately my mind and heart sometimes have difficulties finding a pathway to one another and being on the mission together. How do I get the two not only to communicate but to agree and follow through? The struggle lies is becoming selfless and giving up control and simply laying down those ugly desires of the flesh.
I kept thinking that after that initial infatuation phase seems to come the reality phase where you realize that to truly make things work you must make some substantial sacrifices. That is most certainly where I am with God right now. He's challenging me at the core of my being, my weakest point, and it's hard. Part of me wants to run away and do my own thing, but I've been there before and it left me completely empty and broken. I do not want to walk down that road again, but I'm terrified that I will. In my mind I know what to do and what is right, quite often I do. Unfortunately my mind and heart sometimes have difficulties finding a pathway to one another and being on the mission together. How do I get the two not only to communicate but to agree and follow through? The struggle lies is becoming selfless and giving up control and simply laying down those ugly desires of the flesh.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyong what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Nature adventure
So yesterday I decided that the perfect weather was pulling me into its glorious beauty. I had a definite itch to go outside...so I didn't hesitate to scratch that itch and went outside to play. By play I mean that I went out for a wonderful, almost three hour, hike by myself. Being the social person that I am doing something like that alone was rather out of character, but strangely enough I had a great time and think I will do it again soon. Being outside and enjoying nature makes me feel just a little closer to God and that is an incredibly great feeling. It allows me to just look around and smile at the beauty of His graceful creation.
There are little things all around that if we don't slow down we miss the fine touch of a wonderful creator. Like this picture. For som
e reason this just captivated me. These two trees, interwoven at their roots, the depths of who they are. Between them runs a path and they clearly lead separate lives and yet they are rooted together into the same ground. Yea, that's cheesy, but when I saw this it instantly made me think of love. Before seeing this I don't think I would've been able to tell you what I picture love to be, but if you ask me now I can say that this is it. This is the image that will forevermore come to mind when I think of love. Call me a hopeless romantic, guilty as charged. Here are some more pictures from yesterday.
On a completely separate note... I've become obsessed/intrigued with the word grace. As I was on my biweekly drive up to school last Thursday I was listening to one of Matt Carter's sermons. The sermon that I listened to was about grace (I believe the title of it is "Grace Defined" from 12/23/07). He defined grace as the unmerited favor of God, with unmerited being the key word. He used a story to illustrate the difference between mercy and grace, which made the word grace come alive for me in a whole new way. I won't spoil it for anyone who wants to go listen to the sermon, which you definitely should consider doing. Point being that the word grace in my mind now is incredibly deep in its connotation, more than it ever was before. It just blows my mind that God gave us mercy and more importantly grace, absolutely incredible. I rejoice in the fact that I have been saved by mercy and grace!=)
There are little things all around that if we don't slow down we miss the fine touch of a wonderful creator. Like this picture. For som
e reason this just captivated me. These two trees, interwoven at their roots, the depths of who they are. Between them runs a path and they clearly lead separate lives and yet they are rooted together into the same ground. Yea, that's cheesy, but when I saw this it instantly made me think of love. Before seeing this I don't think I would've been able to tell you what I picture love to be, but if you ask me now I can say that this is it. This is the image that will forevermore come to mind when I think of love. Call me a hopeless romantic, guilty as charged. Here are some more pictures from yesterday.On a completely separate note... I've become obsessed/intrigued with the word grace. As I was on my biweekly drive up to school last Thursday I was listening to one of Matt Carter's sermons. The sermon that I listened to was about grace (I believe the title of it is "Grace Defined" from 12/23/07). He defined grace as the unmerited favor of God, with unmerited being the key word. He used a story to illustrate the difference between mercy and grace, which made the word grace come alive for me in a whole new way. I won't spoil it for anyone who wants to go listen to the sermon, which you definitely should consider doing. Point being that the word grace in my mind now is incredibly deep in its connotation, more than it ever was before. It just blows my mind that God gave us mercy and more importantly grace, absolutely incredible. I rejoice in the fact that I have been saved by mercy and grace!=)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Falling in love never felt so good
Being away from my regular daily routine and living back at home with mom is putting my life into perspective in a whole new way. The gift of singleness that God has blessed me with is also teaching me to focus on Him in a more intense and wonderful way. I can honestly say that He has absolutely captivated me and swept me off my feet. I'm falling in love. It's the most incredible feeling in the world. And never before has falling in love felt so safe. Not to say that it's an easy romance, because just like regular love you don't wake up every morning wanting to, but you choose to love and make it work. The infatuation phase is filled with bliss, then come the rocky parts where you have to make a conscious decision to love, which soon is followed by the natural act of loving, where it becomes second nature (or first nature for that matter, if that's even an expression).
The more deeply I delve into the word of God the more I see how much God is romancing me on a daily basis. He knows me and gives me all that I need. Still learning to apply that to my life as a whole. I have the tendency to be a tad of a control freak (total understatement), which makes trusting and letting all control be out of my hands immensely difficult. It's quite the roller coaster but He has shown me time and time again that He knows best...
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
The more deeply I delve into the word of God the more I see how much God is romancing me on a daily basis. He knows me and gives me all that I need. Still learning to apply that to my life as a whole. I have the tendency to be a tad of a control freak (total understatement), which makes trusting and letting all control be out of my hands immensely difficult. It's quite the roller coaster but He has shown me time and time again that He knows best...
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Quick update
Lying in bed, finally kicking back and relaxing. How is it that once the stress is gone we finally begin to feel the full extent of our exhaustion? Does not fully make sense...
So the GRE is said and done and I am quite positively pleased with the outcome. I did by no means blow it out of the water, but I exceeded my expectations and made a score above what I needed and that's more than enough for me. Just one more thing to mark off the list. I'm taking this whole PT school application process one step at a time and it has proven to work well for me so I am going to stick with this method.
Now that I've started writing I realize how tired I feel and how this, supposed to be long and informative, post just is not going to be that. It is not in me today.
So the GRE is said and done and I am quite positively pleased with the outcome. I did by no means blow it out of the water, but I exceeded my expectations and made a score above what I needed and that's more than enough for me. Just one more thing to mark off the list. I'm taking this whole PT school application process one step at a time and it has proven to work well for me so I am going to stick with this method.
Now that I've started writing I realize how tired I feel and how this, supposed to be long and informative, post just is not going to be that. It is not in me today.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Third time's a charm
And so I return to blog... I've missed it.
A place to vent, to waste time, to share, and more. This is the third time I'm going to attempt to start this back up again. The inspiration is multifold. But really the main reasons are a request from a friend and the desire to write things down to share with others. In my mind it's a more acceptable form of wasting time.
Wasting time as I am right now. I have a test tomorrow and am taking the GRE on Friday. This is supposed to calm my nerves because, quite frankly, I'm freaking out. As I like to tell people, the GRE really is not a big deal, it's not like it is a factor in determining the rest of my life...yikes!
There is so much I want to write down, but for now I must get back to the books. More to come, I promise.=)
A place to vent, to waste time, to share, and more. This is the third time I'm going to attempt to start this back up again. The inspiration is multifold. But really the main reasons are a request from a friend and the desire to write things down to share with others. In my mind it's a more acceptable form of wasting time.
Wasting time as I am right now. I have a test tomorrow and am taking the GRE on Friday. This is supposed to calm my nerves because, quite frankly, I'm freaking out. As I like to tell people, the GRE really is not a big deal, it's not like it is a factor in determining the rest of my life...yikes!
There is so much I want to write down, but for now I must get back to the books. More to come, I promise.=)
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