After a While by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that 
love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid flight.

After a while 
you learn that even sunshine burns 
if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth.

And you learn 
and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

The art of living in the present

"The past is history, the future is a mystery, the moment is a gift...that's why it's called the present"

I'm not sure where that quotation originated, but it's one of those little gems that has stuck with me for a long time. 

Often times we get lost in the past. Lost in the what if's and the shoulda, woulda, coulda... And though I agree that the past should not be ignored it is of utmost importance to not allow yourself to get so lost in it that you miss the moment. Take it for what it's worth; a lesson to learn from and apply in the future.

On the contrary there are some who get lost in the future, myself included. We are the kind of people who live in the what will be. Always reaching for the future and longing for that time when things will change and get better... that is no way to live either. The danger is that you lose sight of the now. You become blind to what is right there in front of you and you forget how to appreciate the gifts that have been graciously placed before you.

This longing for the future has some serious consequences in my life. Tendencies of being incredibly hard on myself increase. Not that being hard on yourself is all bad, but if you take it to a certain level you forget what truly matters in life. And what truly matters is faith, family, and friends...pretty simple really. I also have tendencies to sell myself short because I'm wanting the future to happen so badly that I am not patient enough to wait and allow it to happen. I could probably go on, but no need to bear all...

To sum it up, try and live passionately...and do so in the present because that's what has been given to you. Don't save it for another day and don't think of all the times you lived passionately...that was then and this is now. Embrace it and never allow anything to get between you and the truly important things in life... your faith, family, and friends. If your world is turned upside down those three things will prevail. Your job, judgements, monetary assets, etc. cannot live up to that nor do they hold the power to sustain you.

Standing in complete awe

After going through a bit of a dry spell I cannot help but be utterly and completely blown away by His mercy and grace. These past couple days have got me thinking that I should be careful what I pray for because I was not ready for things to work themselves out like this, but they have. He loves me and leaves me in absolute awe of Him! I just cannot seem to wrap my little mind around it.

The sermon at Grace Point yesterday could have not been more fitting or perfect for what I am struggling with right now. Jeff is doing a series he is calling 60/60 where the concept is for everyone to pray every hour on the hour following the concept that we may become one that the world may know. The prayer is specific for the week based on the topic that he is preaching on and yesterday it just so happened to be called "I Admit." The sermon addressed that we need to be able to discover the root of our desires, then identify the disconnect of those desires, and lastly we need to focus on returning to the heart of God. Nothing could have been more perfect or relevant for me to hear. Because it is a personal struggle I woke up this morning reluctant to set my hourly reminder and pray "I admit..." every hour on the hour, but I did. My reluctance to pray the prayer was quenched by the following verse that I have been carrying around in my pocket for over a week now:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
~1 Corinthians 10:13 ~

So I started praying the prayer at 8am this morning and repeated a muffled prayer or utterance of, "I admit..." every hour following. Admitting your struggle even if it's only between you and God can be quite intimidating and frightening, because it means that you acknowledge the wrong in it, the so called disconnect. I did not think things would work themselves out as quickly as they did, but they did. My prayers were answered. It's not easy, but the first step to fighting this struggle of mine has been taken and I feel like God carried me through it. Actually I know He did. I cried today, and will probably cry some more, but I feel comforted and loved by Him...

Living beyond mere existence

So I haven't written anything in quite some time. Not sure why, because it's not that I've been too busy. I guess my mind has simply been preoccupied.

This chapter of my life is coming to a close and a new one is about to begin and I feel stuck in an odd limbo because of it. Honestly I'm not too happy with where I am right now emotionally. Not sure why, but I've been living on my own agenda the past couple weeks and it's not working out for me. It leaves me feeling insecure, alone, and having desires of filling the void with superfluous things. Don't get me wrong because things in my life are going incredibly well and I definitely could not ask for more as far as my "outer layer" is concerned. My life is perfect and I am blessed beyond all measure. But it's the inside, the heart, that is struggling a bit right now. Because everything keeps happening and things are seemingly going so fast it feels like I can barely keep up, which leaves me feeling like I'm just existing... existing one day at a time and waiting for the next to come. I finish one routine and wait for the next to start. It's a cycle that happens one day at a time and then starts over the next. Somehow I'm left feeling like I'm merely existing and not truly living. It's really a terrible feeling because I know I am called to go beyond just existing, but I'm not sure how to break free of it right now. This is a personal struggle that comes up time and time again in my life, and I know that I simply need to see it through and need to refocus my attention and get back on track. Part of me is really upset with myself because I have just gotten really lazy and unfocused. For me the root of it all is whenever I simply get comfortable with things and stop putting forth effort. I am so caught up in what's to come that I have forgotten to focus on the now. Currently I am not living to my full potential and I'm somewhat just wasting away. A bit overly dramatic I'm sure (but that's just me)... I just need to refocus!

As for my "outer shell"... goodness, I'm so happy I could burst! I will write about that soon, but for now I need to get off here and focus some.

To be continued...

Random collection of some thought-provoking quotations

"The spirit of truth will not allow you to enjoy sin ever again... he will wreck you from enjoying sin ever again, when sin creeps into your life as a child of God the spirit of truth inside of you will begin to breathe and it will war against it until you repent... so if there is no repentance in your life, there is no grieving, there is no war, there is no spirit." -Matt Carter

"Until we are broken, our life will be self-centered, self-reliant; our strength will be our own...only when we enter our wound will we discover our true glory." -John Eldredge

"You literally sacrifice your soul and your true power when you insist on controlling things..." -Stasi Eldredge

Lazy Friday morning and future thoughts

It's a lazy Friday morning and I decided I should write again since it's been a little while.

My PT applications are all off. It is out of my hands and it is a terribly frightening but also exciting feeling. Last week mom came in my room and asked me what was wrong (I must have appeared frazzled). I simply pointed over to my bed that had multiple manila envelopes on it stuffed, essentially, with the past three to four years of my life. That is the, for a lack of a better term, weirdest feeling I have probably ever felt. Along with that feeling came the panic where I began to wonder if all that I have done is good enough. Will I even get an interview? I sure hope so...

People have been asking me which school I want to go to and it is no lie when I respond, "the one that accepts me." If I do end up being accepted to more than one school then I will need to be choosy, but until then I'm just left hoping I get in somewhere. I also firmly believe that if I get in more than one place it will be clear where I need to be after my interviews. For the first time the uncertainty does not scare me in a numbing sort of way because I am confident that I will be guided in the right direction. This whole thing is so exciting I could burst!

Also had a birthday last week. I swear, the older you get, the faster time seems to fly by. Not that I'm old by any means, but these next couple years are going to be some monumental ones in my life. I'll be graduating with my bachelors degree in just two months (bought my cap and gown yesterday!), will start hearing back from PT schools within the next one to two months, will hopefully have interviews and will get in, which means I'll be starting PT school next year. If all goes as planned, which realistically I know rarely happens, I'll be graduating with a DPT degree in three years, and then...? Well I'm hoping marriage and family to be quite honest. So with all that coming up it seems like time should slow down a bit so I can process it all and keep up.

What's my plan B you may ask? Well for now I am planning on taking things as they come. The year 2009 should be interesting because I have no solid plans as of yet. I do plan on taking some classes at a community college in the Spring to meet some outstanding pre-requisites and I definitely need to work, but beyond that, who knows? And of course a visit to Switzerland is also on the agenda, since I'll be spending Christmas here in the States and not there (only the second Christmas I'll have been here since I've lived here, which is a huge deal to me and it's gonna be hard not going home for Christmas). Beyond that, if I don't get into PT school, well then I will try again. I don't really have much else to say about that because right now I do not plan on not getting in.=) Optimistic? Yes! Overly optimistic? Probably. But it's keeping me sane right now and as a person who does not deal well with uncertainty it is my only survival technique.

Now this post has gotten quite lengthy. My apologies to anyone reading it.=)

I think I'm gonna get up and do something with myself. Get this beautiful day started.

My path

It is most certainly crunch time as far as PT applications go, but honestly I'm quite relaxed about it. Maybe too much so. For some reason I have a level of inner peace that I cannot put into words. I simply feel safe, comforted, and confident.

Over the past couple weeks, if nothing else, my confidence has grown. Not only am I falling in love with God, I'm also truly learning to love myself. That certainly sounds basic and it probably is, but I am just now learning to truly take time for myself and focus on who I am and need to be. It feels really good and I like who I feel that I am becoming. From the outside looking in it's probably not any sort of monumental change, but I feel much different. I feel more at peace and ease with myself and who I am. That's a really good feeling!

There is a path that lies ahead and though it is uncertain I feel confident. In an odd way I know exactly where I am going even though I do not have a clue where I'll end up. The path does not frighten me like it usually would because I know I am headed in the right direction no matter what happens. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Sometimes I wish I had something eloquent and meaningful to convey to the world. Unfortunately that is often not the case, but I guess the true reason for this blog of mine is to serve as an outlet for my thoughts.