Lazy Friday morning and future thoughts

It's a lazy Friday morning and I decided I should write again since it's been a little while.

My PT applications are all off. It is out of my hands and it is a terribly frightening but also exciting feeling. Last week mom came in my room and asked me what was wrong (I must have appeared frazzled). I simply pointed over to my bed that had multiple manila envelopes on it stuffed, essentially, with the past three to four years of my life. That is the, for a lack of a better term, weirdest feeling I have probably ever felt. Along with that feeling came the panic where I began to wonder if all that I have done is good enough. Will I even get an interview? I sure hope so...

People have been asking me which school I want to go to and it is no lie when I respond, "the one that accepts me." If I do end up being accepted to more than one school then I will need to be choosy, but until then I'm just left hoping I get in somewhere. I also firmly believe that if I get in more than one place it will be clear where I need to be after my interviews. For the first time the uncertainty does not scare me in a numbing sort of way because I am confident that I will be guided in the right direction. This whole thing is so exciting I could burst!

Also had a birthday last week. I swear, the older you get, the faster time seems to fly by. Not that I'm old by any means, but these next couple years are going to be some monumental ones in my life. I'll be graduating with my bachelors degree in just two months (bought my cap and gown yesterday!), will start hearing back from PT schools within the next one to two months, will hopefully have interviews and will get in, which means I'll be starting PT school next year. If all goes as planned, which realistically I know rarely happens, I'll be graduating with a DPT degree in three years, and then...? Well I'm hoping marriage and family to be quite honest. So with all that coming up it seems like time should slow down a bit so I can process it all and keep up.

What's my plan B you may ask? Well for now I am planning on taking things as they come. The year 2009 should be interesting because I have no solid plans as of yet. I do plan on taking some classes at a community college in the Spring to meet some outstanding pre-requisites and I definitely need to work, but beyond that, who knows? And of course a visit to Switzerland is also on the agenda, since I'll be spending Christmas here in the States and not there (only the second Christmas I'll have been here since I've lived here, which is a huge deal to me and it's gonna be hard not going home for Christmas). Beyond that, if I don't get into PT school, well then I will try again. I don't really have much else to say about that because right now I do not plan on not getting in.=) Optimistic? Yes! Overly optimistic? Probably. But it's keeping me sane right now and as a person who does not deal well with uncertainty it is my only survival technique.

Now this post has gotten quite lengthy. My apologies to anyone reading it.=)

I think I'm gonna get up and do something with myself. Get this beautiful day started.

My path

It is most certainly crunch time as far as PT applications go, but honestly I'm quite relaxed about it. Maybe too much so. For some reason I have a level of inner peace that I cannot put into words. I simply feel safe, comforted, and confident.

Over the past couple weeks, if nothing else, my confidence has grown. Not only am I falling in love with God, I'm also truly learning to love myself. That certainly sounds basic and it probably is, but I am just now learning to truly take time for myself and focus on who I am and need to be. It feels really good and I like who I feel that I am becoming. From the outside looking in it's probably not any sort of monumental change, but I feel much different. I feel more at peace and ease with myself and who I am. That's a really good feeling!

There is a path that lies ahead and though it is uncertain I feel confident. In an odd way I know exactly where I am going even though I do not have a clue where I'll end up. The path does not frighten me like it usually would because I know I am headed in the right direction no matter what happens. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Sometimes I wish I had something eloquent and meaningful to convey to the world. Unfortunately that is often not the case, but I guess the true reason for this blog of mine is to serve as an outlet for my thoughts.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

A Return to Love - Marianne Williamson

Broken Mess

All the driving that I've been doing lately has given me ample opportunity to do lots and lots of thinking (and singing=)). Believe it or not, I'm enjoying the default "me" time where I can focus on what's going on in my mind...and the road of course. Driving home last night I was overwhelmed with a wave of emotion that is quite difficult to describe. The emotion lead me to tears and it calmed me in an incredible way, yes, gentle and calming tears.
I kept thinking that after that initial infatuation phase seems to come the reality phase where you realize that to truly make things work you must make some substantial sacrifices. That is most certainly where I am with God right now. He's challenging me at the core of my being, my weakest point, and it's hard. Part of me wants to run away and do my own thing, but I've been there before and it left me completely empty and broken. I do not want to walk down that road again, but I'm terrified that I will. In my mind I know what to do and what is right, quite often I do. Unfortunately my mind and heart sometimes have difficulties finding a pathway to one another and being on the mission together. How do I get the two not only to communicate but to agree and follow through? The struggle lies is becoming selfless and giving up control and simply laying down those ugly desires of the flesh.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyong what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13