My path

It is most certainly crunch time as far as PT applications go, but honestly I'm quite relaxed about it. Maybe too much so. For some reason I have a level of inner peace that I cannot put into words. I simply feel safe, comforted, and confident.

Over the past couple weeks, if nothing else, my confidence has grown. Not only am I falling in love with God, I'm also truly learning to love myself. That certainly sounds basic and it probably is, but I am just now learning to truly take time for myself and focus on who I am and need to be. It feels really good and I like who I feel that I am becoming. From the outside looking in it's probably not any sort of monumental change, but I feel much different. I feel more at peace and ease with myself and who I am. That's a really good feeling!

There is a path that lies ahead and though it is uncertain I feel confident. In an odd way I know exactly where I am going even though I do not have a clue where I'll end up. The path does not frighten me like it usually would because I know I am headed in the right direction no matter what happens. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Sometimes I wish I had something eloquent and meaningful to convey to the world. Unfortunately that is often not the case, but I guess the true reason for this blog of mine is to serve as an outlet for my thoughts.

Broken Mess

All the driving that I've been doing lately has given me ample opportunity to do lots and lots of thinking (and singing=)). Believe it or not, I'm enjoying the default "me" time where I can focus on what's going on in my mind...and the road of course. Driving home last night I was overwhelmed with a wave of emotion that is quite difficult to describe. The emotion lead me to tears and it calmed me in an incredible way, yes, gentle and calming tears.
I kept thinking that after that initial infatuation phase seems to come the reality phase where you realize that to truly make things work you must make some substantial sacrifices. That is most certainly where I am with God right now. He's challenging me at the core of my being, my weakest point, and it's hard. Part of me wants to run away and do my own thing, but I've been there before and it left me completely empty and broken. I do not want to walk down that road again, but I'm terrified that I will. In my mind I know what to do and what is right, quite often I do. Unfortunately my mind and heart sometimes have difficulties finding a pathway to one another and being on the mission together. How do I get the two not only to communicate but to agree and follow through? The struggle lies is becoming selfless and giving up control and simply laying down those ugly desires of the flesh.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyong what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Falling in love never felt so good

Being away from my regular daily routine and living back at home with mom is putting my life into perspective in a whole new way. The gift of singleness that God has blessed me with is also teaching me to focus on Him in a more intense and wonderful way. I can honestly say that He has absolutely captivated me and swept me off my feet. I'm falling in love. It's the most incredible feeling in the world. And never before has falling in love felt so safe. Not to say that it's an easy romance, because just like regular love you don't wake up every morning wanting to, but you choose to love and make it work. The infatuation phase is filled with bliss, then come the rocky parts where you have to make a conscious decision to love, which soon is followed by the natural act of loving, where it becomes second nature (or first nature for that matter, if that's even an expression).

The more deeply I delve into the word of God the more I see how much God is romancing me on a daily basis. He knows me and gives me all that I need. Still learning to apply that to my life as a whole. I have the tendency to be a tad of a control freak (total understatement), which makes trusting and letting all control be out of my hands immensely difficult. It's quite the roller coaster but He has shown me time and time again that He knows best...

He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Corinthians 12: 9-10