Standing in complete awe

After going through a bit of a dry spell I cannot help but be utterly and completely blown away by His mercy and grace. These past couple days have got me thinking that I should be careful what I pray for because I was not ready for things to work themselves out like this, but they have. He loves me and leaves me in absolute awe of Him! I just cannot seem to wrap my little mind around it.

The sermon at Grace Point yesterday could have not been more fitting or perfect for what I am struggling with right now. Jeff is doing a series he is calling 60/60 where the concept is for everyone to pray every hour on the hour following the concept that we may become one that the world may know. The prayer is specific for the week based on the topic that he is preaching on and yesterday it just so happened to be called "I Admit." The sermon addressed that we need to be able to discover the root of our desires, then identify the disconnect of those desires, and lastly we need to focus on returning to the heart of God. Nothing could have been more perfect or relevant for me to hear. Because it is a personal struggle I woke up this morning reluctant to set my hourly reminder and pray "I admit..." every hour on the hour, but I did. My reluctance to pray the prayer was quenched by the following verse that I have been carrying around in my pocket for over a week now:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
~1 Corinthians 10:13 ~

So I started praying the prayer at 8am this morning and repeated a muffled prayer or utterance of, "I admit..." every hour following. Admitting your struggle even if it's only between you and God can be quite intimidating and frightening, because it means that you acknowledge the wrong in it, the so called disconnect. I did not think things would work themselves out as quickly as they did, but they did. My prayers were answered. It's not easy, but the first step to fighting this struggle of mine has been taken and I feel like God carried me through it. Actually I know He did. I cried today, and will probably cry some more, but I feel comforted and loved by Him...

Broken Mess

All the driving that I've been doing lately has given me ample opportunity to do lots and lots of thinking (and singing=)). Believe it or not, I'm enjoying the default "me" time where I can focus on what's going on in my mind...and the road of course. Driving home last night I was overwhelmed with a wave of emotion that is quite difficult to describe. The emotion lead me to tears and it calmed me in an incredible way, yes, gentle and calming tears.
I kept thinking that after that initial infatuation phase seems to come the reality phase where you realize that to truly make things work you must make some substantial sacrifices. That is most certainly where I am with God right now. He's challenging me at the core of my being, my weakest point, and it's hard. Part of me wants to run away and do my own thing, but I've been there before and it left me completely empty and broken. I do not want to walk down that road again, but I'm terrified that I will. In my mind I know what to do and what is right, quite often I do. Unfortunately my mind and heart sometimes have difficulties finding a pathway to one another and being on the mission together. How do I get the two not only to communicate but to agree and follow through? The struggle lies is becoming selfless and giving up control and simply laying down those ugly desires of the flesh.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyong what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Falling in love never felt so good

Being away from my regular daily routine and living back at home with mom is putting my life into perspective in a whole new way. The gift of singleness that God has blessed me with is also teaching me to focus on Him in a more intense and wonderful way. I can honestly say that He has absolutely captivated me and swept me off my feet. I'm falling in love. It's the most incredible feeling in the world. And never before has falling in love felt so safe. Not to say that it's an easy romance, because just like regular love you don't wake up every morning wanting to, but you choose to love and make it work. The infatuation phase is filled with bliss, then come the rocky parts where you have to make a conscious decision to love, which soon is followed by the natural act of loving, where it becomes second nature (or first nature for that matter, if that's even an expression).

The more deeply I delve into the word of God the more I see how much God is romancing me on a daily basis. He knows me and gives me all that I need. Still learning to apply that to my life as a whole. I have the tendency to be a tad of a control freak (total understatement), which makes trusting and letting all control be out of my hands immensely difficult. It's quite the roller coaster but He has shown me time and time again that He knows best...

He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Corinthians 12: 9-10